What good is all this ribbon if I can't get at it?
(Princess Fluffybutt)

To fully enjoy this trans-Atlantic "pen-paw" relationship, you need to know about the friends:

Tahash (it’s pronounced Ta’ha sh) is an American cat living in New Jersey.
Ioda (sounds like "Yoda") is a French cat (le chat) living in France.
Kallie is Ioda's adopted sister.
Bastet is Ioda's and Kallie's adopted little sister.
Susan is Tahash's servant - from and living in New Jersey.
Louise, Ioda's and Kallie's keeper, is from New Jersey, but lives in France.

Dear Ioda,

WHERE ARE YOU ?
Why have you stopped writing me?

Catnips, Tahash

Chère Tahash,

That’s the problem. I haven’t stopped. But we have had a breakdown over here! Nothing is working, no phone, no internet, no e-mail, nada nada nada. I have dictated this note to Mme Louise, who is taking my messages to send from some cyber place, so you’ll know I am still alive.

Catsniffs, Ioda

Dear Ioda,

Is this contagious? Susanlady has now told me that everything is broken at our home too, and she needs to go to the public library to go online. What will we do for our Chronicle column? It’s going to be shorter than a Manx’s tail! Kent ‘n Fur will be fur-ious!

Scaredycattedly, Tahash

Chère Susanlady,

My dear friend Tahash tells me that your internet connection is down. Why isn’t it fixed yet? I’ve heard of having a cat fixed. I didn’t realize they could also do that to DSL boxes, but quite obviously they can, for ours is now purring away. Please see to yours. And transmit my wettest catlicks to Tahash.

Best whiskers, Ioda

Dear Ioda,

OK, Ioda, Susanlady here writing to you from the local library. Listen, it was you cats who created the whole problem on both sides of the Atlantic. YOU decided to sleep on the computer (or rather Bastet on the DSL box, judging by a certain snapshot I have received from sources that shall remain anonymous). Tahash is always sprawled on the computer here, and now we have a breakdown. I told that to the DSL service provider, but he did not believe me. And I have been screaming at the phone company all morning.

How true that you cats need the internet back soon. For example, this morning Tahash told me to write this to you, but I couldn’t from home. I apologize for the delay.

Susanlady

Dear Ioda,

It’s unfair! Messy Susanlady spilled water on the floor, filling my dish this morning. It lies next to my food dish. And of course, I would not wet my feet to get to my food. She said I was being silly, but I refused to give in, and SHE refused to wipe up the water. I have been sitting here waiting for the floor to dry.

Catlove, Tahash

Chère Tahash,

Lick up that H20! Then you can have lunch. But Susanlady spilled it, so Susanlady should wipe it up! That is my advice.

Your friend, Ioda

PS Your Susanlady has got to stop holding us responsible for technical problems. That’s it, blame the cats. She is making us scapecats!

Dear Ioda,

Susanlady said she would not wipe, because she was making a point. That it is no disaster and no reason to have a hissy fit if I get my paws wet.

I took a nap instead of dealing with the problem, and by the time I woke up, the floor was dry! Catlicks should be saved for other cats or nice people and not wasted on a floor!

Catgrin, Tahash

Chère Tahash,

Mme Louise has it in for me. And she’s not kitting, either. She told me she has been buying some clothes on eBay, and that if I am not nicer to her, she will sell ME on eBay. In fact, she wonders if there is not an eCat, where people can get rid of their pets and choose new ones they like better. She SAID that to me, Tahaaaaash! She says I am a kvetch. Has she never listened to herself?

Your outraged Ioda

Dear Madame Louise,

NON NON NON! You cannot sell my friend Ioda on eBay ! Or any other site. But you can buy clothes like Susanlady. That is OK. If you want a sweater with long sleeves, for example, you can search “long sleeves.” Susanlady just told me that. I have my wonderful coat so do not need a sweater.

Yours, Tahash

PS Ioda is no more of a kvetch than I am. Anyway, that’s what we spoiled housecats do: we grouse! (Hey, that’s a bird, isn’t it?).

PPS Do you remember that some time ago, a friend of yours asked if cats were mentioned in the Bible? Well, Susanlady has just told me something BIG on that score! She says the Book of Leviticus explains about how people are not to eat animals with paws, and what is that if not a CAT? Paws! We have paws! WE ARE MENTIONED!

Chère Tahash,

Well, hurray for us! Mme Louise has just told me the interesting news you wrote her. It is forbidden to eat your cat! In fact, it gives me pause. I shall even pause long enough to wish all our dear readers a happy and healthy New Year, filled with catkissies and purrs and tons of Purina pellets.

Chats with Le Chat Gourmet (click here), by Susan Marx and Louise Thunin-Domaratius, is a cross-cultural cat book cum easy-French-cookbook (for people!) all in one. Feline penpals exchange e-mails across the Atlantic: Ioda, born in Paris, is a black "allée" cat, while Kelly Kat Katz is a Jewish-Irish (vive la diversité!) American cat in New Jersey.