To fully enjoy this trans-Atlantic "pen-paw" relationship, you need to know about the friends:

Tahash (it’s pronounced Ta’ha sh) is an American cat living in New Jersey.
Ioda (sounds like "Yoda") is a French cat (le chat) living in France.
Kallie is Ioda's adopted sister.
Bastet is Ioda's and Kallie's adopted little sister.
Susan is Tahash's servant - from and living in New Jersey.
Louise, Ioda's and Kallie's keeper, is from New Jersey, but lives in France.

Dear Ioda,

Now I know that Susanlady is certifiable: She has accused me of eating her shoes.

She is running around the house looking for them and has accused me, instead of herself, for not putting her shoes in the closet. She leaves them all over the apartment (for me to play with?). But EATING her shoes? That takes the cake! Why would I eat her shoes?

Very shoely yours, Tahash

Chère Tahash,

Eating shoes "takes the cake"? A pungent sort of "cake"! Don't you mean," takes the Camembert"? (catrgin) But I get it. In France, Père Noël (Santa Cat) brings presents and puts them in shoes, so I'll bet Susanlady is hoping for presents, even if the Catmas and Chanucat seasons are over. Maybe she's thinking of a Valentine's gift. So why not try giving her a little tidbit in each shoe: a dead mouse, a wingless fly, some nice treat like that.

Catlove, Ioda

Dear Ioda,

I told Susanlady what you wrote, and she said that as a child, she had a little turtle that got lost. They looked for it high and low. Then her dad went to put on his shoes, and guess what he found… I should think he'd have been thrilled, but she seems to say he wasn't. Turtles don't move very fast, though, so they are uninteresting playmates! I understand his reaction.

Yours, Tahash

Chère Tahash,

Mme Louise is freaking. Kallie has been doing her claws on the ceiling woodwork! I cat you not! She climbs way up to the top of the kitchen china cabinet (believe me, it's a high rise piece of furniture!) and sits there and surveys her kingdom. And when the catspirit moves her, she stretches out her front paws and does her nails. This leaves marks, and the whole business makes our catparents shriek.

Mme L put essential oil of grapefruit where Kallie does this. So she (Kallie) left for awhile, but now she's back. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Catnips, Ioda

Dear Ioda,

Kallie might not use the woodwork to do her nails, if she had an Alpine climber (see our November '09 column). You should tell monsieur François to build you catgirls one. How about the grapefruit oil? Did it work? I like to think of Kallie surveying her Catdom from on high! Is "on high" fun? Maybe I should check out the top of the fridge!

Coolly, Tahash

PS Help, help, help! What do I do? I have tried and failed! How to I jump to the top of the refrigerator? I am not allowed on the counter, but no one ever said anything about the fridge! But I can't get up there! I want to surprise Susanlady! I've been trying all morning!

Tahash

Chère Tahash,

Imitate Kallie, who nearly flies. She is a big girl, but she's like a butterfly; she alights! The first thing is to think "light," and the second is to take a running jump and SOAR!

Good luck! Ioda

Dear Ioda,

Are you insinuating I must go on a diet or something? That I've got too much weight to lift? I know how to take running jumps! Hm, if I can only wrangle permission to jump onto the counter first, then I could surely get to the top of that fridge. I'll tell you what my catmom says, as soon as she gets home.

Tahash

PS Good grief, can cats have acrophobia? Fear of heights? Susanlady said OK. She even cleared off the top of the fridge so I could have my high perch! She picked me up and PUT me there, and Ioda, it was SCARY!

I guess I am a phobic cat. I also have claustrophobia. If someone puts me under the covers or tries to get me to play in a paper bag I get hysterical. And now I find out I am acrophobic too. Catsniff!

Chère Tahash,

You need purr therapy, my friend. Kallie doesn't mind grapefruit oil (although she HAS lost interest in scratching the woodwork), AND she is not the least claustrophobic. The other day, there was this odd-shaped lump under the bedspread. You can guess who that was. But, a phobic cat you are, so get Susanlady to purr for you!

Your advisor, Ioda

Dear Ioda,

When I sleep on Susanlady's head, I hear her purring. But unlike me, she does not purr during the day. I need therapy from a professional cat purrapist. E-mail has its limits, so please call me on the phone and purr into the receiver. I'm sure I'll be better soon.

Best meows and thanks in advance, Tahash

Chats with Le Chat Gourmet (click here), by Susan Marx and Louise Thunin-Domaratius, is a cross-cultural cat book cum easy-French-cookbook (for people!) all in one. Feline penpals exchange e-mails across the Atlantic: Ioda, born in Paris, is a black "allée" cat, while Kelly Kat Katz is a Jewish-Irish (vive la diversité!) American cat in New Jersey.